Returneth The Sandwich

So, here I am... BACK!!!

For how long? No-one knows (especially me)

Sandwich of the day... I don’t have one in front of me. Things changed, I diet now and all I am saying is Weight Watchers and their stupid points have a lot to answer for (not really, I’m trying to be funny by moaning and picking on WWs but I have nothing to complain about.)


I’m three stone lighter than when I last blogged. There is more chance of seeing me with a lovely crackerbread and philli-lite and slices of organic tomatoes, nibbling the corners so I don’t spill any of the tommee juice on the floor than there is seeing me reach my large gob around a 12inch sub, trying to hold it so nothing falls out of the end, bits of melted cheese dribbling down my chin... I feel dirty writing about one, let alone eating it...

Maybe when I get home I will rustle up a cheeky little ham on white, I got some filthy spicy tomato and caramelised onion chutney over the weekend that would polish up a little Wiltshire ham quite nicely. NO!!! OMG!!! WTF!!! Get the fat b@st@rd away from the fridge... he has points to count... (For the record – 2 slices of white bread, 4 propoints; 2 Slices of ham, 2 pro-points; little trickle of chutney, 1 pro-point; slither of low fat salad cream, 1 pro-point. Making a grand total of 6 pro-points for a sarnie...) BOOOM!!!

So instead of filling my fat face, I thought I would write a poem for your viewing pleasure. Now for all you normal people out there with no artistic tendancies, just stay with me here. Poetry is not necessarily a bad thing, so just hang on and check this stuff out. For all you intellectuals, thanks for staying and I apologise for the others you share this with... HAHAHAHA!!! Now, calm yourselves... My poem is called ‘I Want to Buy a M&S Cray Fish and Rocket but I’ve only 2 grand in the bank’.

A-Hem!!!

I want to buy a M&S Cray Fish and Rocket but I’ve only 2 grand in the bank.

And the car insurance is due... so is the road tax, mot and service... Not to mention the car loan and Gap insurance.

The mortgage is due too... as is the mortgage payment protection... and the council tax, electricity, gas, contents insurance, buildings insurance...

And the phone bill, that’s due too.

Although I don’t know why I have a phone, see I got a mobile (it costs me forty quid a month) it can go online, surf the web, read email, facebook, twitter... but I suppose I need the landline for the wifi for the desktop, laptop, ps3, IPAD.

I need it for the skyplus too (which is another bill I need to pay), not that I can afford the 50 inch HDMI flat screen hi definition tele I got on the Argos card, which is due.

I don’t take home so much see, but only cause I got a pension, private health care, income protection, life assurance, personal insurance, travel insurance although I can’t afford a holiday (but you ever know).

Oh, I owe for the pet insurance too... for a cat that never goes out.

How I afford VAT, National Insurance or income tax is... well a little like my finances, beyond me.

The last bill I have (if you don’t include food, clothes, gym membership, going out, staying in) is a diet plan I’m on. For twenty quid a month I get told what I can eat and what I cant... and it helps me focus especially when I get weighed each week by a kind lady who smiles even when I put on.

And that means not only can I not afford the M&S Cray Fish and Rocket...

I’m not allowed to eat it anyway.