Part 1 of 2 – Strictly Come Dancing – One Mans Marmite Sandwiches is another’s Bacon Butty

From cheap soggy tuna baguettes to a Waitrose Wild Salmon and Dill Mayo in a free range granary cobb, this is a quick run down on this years contestants with thought on how far I think they will go (of course, explained in my own special way).


Alex Jones – The quintessentially lovely, British / Welsh Rose. She is everyone’s favourite but I have a sneaky feeling she cant dance to save her life. Don’t get me wrong, I cant be horrible to lovely Alex but if you saw her in the group dance on opening (pairing) night and if you searched her out on the trailers Auntie is filling all inter-show slots with, you would have seen what I have… She’s more an old cucumber triangle that’s been left out in the sun after a picnic – theoretically everyone’s favourite until you take a bite and realise its not living up to its mark. I really hope I’m wrong – I like cucumber sandwiches.

Anita Dobson – “You’re not my muvva!” “YES I AM… Duff… Duff… Duffduffduffduff… Oh sorry, Right pub, wrong landlady. Can you get jellied eel sarnies? Never mind, I think Anita may be the dark horse this year. And again I don’t mean to be rude but Strictly have struggled to crown an oldie as king or queen of the fake tan. Perhaps Mrs May may???

Audley Harrison – Like his crappy boxing days – knocked out in round 1. Nuff said… Even comparing him to thick slices of succulent roast beef in an organic crusty roll, with sloppings of super English mustard wont help this dude get past Craig revel-Horwood in one piece. Sorry dude.

Chelsee Healy – No jokes about the two large baps she will, inevitably, be cramming into tight lycra tops for the foreseeable, please. Is she a chav or does she just play ‘em on t’tele? Maybe this will be the beginning of a spin of series, ‘Stric-lee Kum Chavvin’, where each week Chavs have to dance in a pit of rabid Staffies or get their knees caps bitten off – I’d watch it.

Dan Lobb – Don’t know who this geezer is. Hmmm, may have to do a bit of homework here.

Edwina Currie – Surely the egg mayonnaise sarnie. The one that’ll stink but only the day after… I just wonder how many times the word ‘major’ (geddit??? Huh, see what I did there… major… Major… John Major…) will be mentioned.

Harry Judd – Drummer boy may be a favourite of mine… Not, like ‘favourite, favourite’ – that title goes to Erin or Flavia… or Christina… or… well you know where I’m coming from. I mean ‘favourite… to win’. He has previous courtesy of Pudsey and a subtle mixture of youth (for the energy) and maturity (for the… maturity) needed for ballroom and latin (i.e to dance it without looking like a right plonker… I’ve salsa’d, I know what I’m talking about.) The McFly-er is either the winner of Strictly 2011 or a new burger from Maccie-Ds.